Chock this one up as another one of my long articles. Something to put you to sleep at night:)

April 26, 2019

I recently wrote an article on The Joy of Supporting Mother’s Day, and I believe we should honor our mothers and support them. Motherhood was instituted by God, and so I think it is a valuable thing and should be treated accordingly.

I thought though that I would take a deeper look at why some women are caught up in all the hurt and pain surrounding the issue of Mother’s Day and one of the things that I feel plays a big role in this situation. It is really simple. I think some women are seeking their identity in motherhood and not seeking their identity in Christ. Motherhood shouldn’t define you. Christ should.

I know this from firsthand experience as I’ll share with you later in this article.

Seeking Your Identity

I do not know anywhere in the Bible that it says to seek motherhood. Yes, God said to go out and be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 9:7), but He knew way back when (after all He is God) that all women would not and could not bear children.

Instead of seeking motherhood as our main goal in life, we are to be seeking Christ and living to please Him.

And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again. 2 Corinthians 5:15 (KJV)

If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth. For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God. Colossians 3:1-3 (KJV)

The Bible does give honor and does hold mothers in high regard. The first thing I think of is that we are commanded to honor our mother. It’s one of The Ten Commandments. (Exodus 20:12 Deuteronomy 5:16)

Motherhood even played a part in Christ being born, so we can’t dismiss its important. We also know that children are a blessing and they bring us joy. (Psalm 127:3-5 Proverbs 17:6)

So, we see that motherhood is a beautiful thing. We see it was a sign of blessing in the Bible, but still, motherhood is not where we find our total joy. It is not where we find our total identity. Can it bring joy and fulfillment to our lives? Yes, but not in the way that Christ does when we find our identity in Him.

If we depend on just motherhood to define us, we are going to crash somewhere along the line. We need to be defined deeper than that. We need more to live for than just motherhood.

Defining Your Identity

As wonderful as motherhood is, when we start putting that as our only identity and as the only thing that defines us, or what we want to define us, it boils down to a self-centered identity. Even though you may argue that because it involves others (our children or those children we greatly desire to have), you may think it isn’t selfcentered. Really though, when you are allowing that to define you as a person, it is about self. Our identity as Christian women should be in Christ. That should come first.

When Christian women say, “I’m a mother first”, it should bother us. Shouldn’t we be a “Christian first”? As lovely as being a mother is, motherhood should not become like an idol to us. Yes, giving mothers their honor and respect is wonderful. I’m all for that, and I applaud honoring mothers on Mother’s Day. We just don’t want to allow motherhood to be that thing we seek ahead of seeking Christ.

The greatest commandment is to—

love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind… Matthew 22:37

It goes all back to where are we looking for our identity. I fear that some are looking for their identity in all the wrong places. We aren’t going to find it in things, projects, places, career, riches, education, a man (no matter how wonderful he is), or even motherhood.

Questioning Your Identity

Motherhood is only one part of our lives as a woman, and if you rely on one thing to be your whole existence, it is going to make you start questioning your self-worth. It is going to make you question who you are.

Christian women sometimes want to blame the world that they have identity and self-esteem issues. They blame the internet. They blame television. They blame advertising. They blame worldly influences. Hey, they even blame Barbie. A toy!

They are blaming a toy for their identity problems. Does some of that have an impact on us and our society and how we think? Well, yes. But that’s the world.

Those things we can expect, but I think we had better be more concerned with what we are allowing those in our Christian world to tell us and try to make us think. They are like wolves in sheep clothing. It is scarier for me to take a young girl to some Christian women’s event and allow the speaker, no matter how prominent they are, to misquote the Bible, to twist Scripture in order to promote our egos, than to allow those girls to grow up playing with Barbies.

We have got to stop telling our Christian women and Christian young girls to look to themselves for their worth and we have got to stop promoting self.

Surrendering Your Identity

I think part of the problem with Christian women wanting to seek motherhood instead of Christ first and continue dwelling on themselves when it comes to all those hurtful issues surrounding Mother’s Day, is that they don’t want to totally commit to identifying with Christ and finding their identity in Him. Committing to Christ requires surrender. That includes surrendering our attitudes, our hurt, our pain, and our desires.

If you have to set aside that notion to seek your identity in motherhood, or anything really, and begin relying on your identity in Christ, then you have to totally surrender yourself to Christ. You will no longer have control. You have to submit to Christ. That involves being dependent on Christ and not yourself. It involves submission to the authority of Christ.

I don’t discount hurt surrounding Mother’s Day. I know there is always going to be some, especially close to a loss of a child, loss of a mother, and those type of things. I have had a few Mother’s Days over the years that have stung for me personally. However, continually having issues seems to be indicative of a heart problem.

Believe me, I know this from experience. My oldest daughter was thirteen years old when my second child was born. I went all that time from my first child wanting more children. It just didn’t happen and at times I was unsettled and seeking so much to be a mother again.

There were a few times I just had to stop and ask myself what in the world I was doing by focusing on it so much and actually letting it consume me. I had to come to the realization that I shouldn’t be seeking motherhood. I needed to seek Christ. I needed to work on being a disciple of Christ. I needed to seek disciplehood, not motherhood.

Focusing on Your Identity

Focusing on being a disciple to Christ is how I came out of that depression and hurt that I got into a few times during that thirteen-year span. And some women may argue that it isn’t the same when you already have one child and still want to conceive as it is for someone who hasn’t had even one child yet. Believe me, it hurts just as bad. Hurt is hurt. Pain is pain. We can’t judge the levels of it that someone may go through in life.

I had to learn that motherhood isn’t my total identity. It can be a blessing and a wonderful thing, but I had to learn through all the pain and hurt I went through that I had to seek something more for my life. Sure, being a mother can help define me, but when it becomes all I am, then I’m in trouble.

I had to realize that my identity lies in Jesus. He is the lifter of my heart and I had to give it over to Him. I found out that disciplehood to Christ is better to seek than motherhood. When I let go and rested in the fact that Christ should define me, it was then that I began to get my joy back.

When we see that Christ is in control, we let go of the reins. We allow Christ to bear our hurt and our pain. We don’t try going it alone.

Our identity is Christ gives us so much and we can rest in that. If we could just grasp hold of that, then I think all this defensive attitude surrounding the appropriateness of honoring mothers on Mother’s Day would go away.

We have got to teach Christian women that their identity is not in motherhood or anything else. That’s not what we should seek. We have to seek Christ.

I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20

Losing Your Identity

Motherhood, careers, a husband, education, materialism, or anything else on earth is not going to give us that identity that we need. When we get lost in ourselves and our own agenda, then we kind of lose our identity altogether. We lose our focus and joy.

Our identity and self-esteem go hand in hand. When we realize who we are in Christ, it lifts us. It propels us into having a balanced mind as a Christian because our focus becomes right.

When we see that our identity as a Christian woman is in Christ, it’s not about self anymore. It is about Christ. It isn’t about the hurt we are in at the time. It isn’t about what our personal desires are. It isn’t about what we think is lacking in our life here on this earth. It isn’t about what we expected our life to look like. It becomes about what a wonderful Savior and Lord we have!

We have to be really careful because even some Christians want to tout the idea that we are special and put the focus on us as women, and they do it by quoting Bible verses and changing those verses to fit what they want to say. I have seen several graphics floating around the internet that has all these things about identity in Christ and who “we” are along with Bible references. In reality those verses are all about “Who” Christ is. The focus should be Christ. He is the special One.

I’m not saying that Christ doesn’t love us. We are a special people. We are children of the King!

But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light: 1 Peter 2:9 (KJV)

I love that verse above, but please! Read all of it! We are to be singing praises of Christ. We have to worship that King when we are a part of His family. We can’t put the focus on ourselves.

Many people quote the following when talking about our identity in Christ.

The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together. Romans 8:16-17 (KJV)

Those are great verses! Yes, they are, but please, please, please, go back and read that whole chapter of Romans 8. You will find out it isn’t about self anymore. It isn’t about singing our praises. It isn’t about telling ourselves we are something. It isn’t about patting ourselves on the back. It isn’t about making us feel good.

This chapter of Romans gets into the essence of how carnal we are. It gets into what the flesh does. It talks about suffering. It gets into the fact that when we are sons of God we should be led by the Spirit (Romans 8:14). Being led by the Spirit of God is the opposite of self and self-promotion. Don’t lose your identity in Christ by seeking self.

Finding Your Identity

You know, when I finally gave Christ the reins and realized that thing called disciplehood was better than motherhood, it was then I began really studying the Bible. I was around 30. To put things in perspective, I had my first daughter when I was 25. I had always studied my Bible, but not until I decided to grasp hold of that disciplehood thing did I do it with such a passion.

When I was in my twenties and I was expecting my first daughter, I read all those pregnancy and mothering books. I wanted to find out how to be the best at it I could. So, when I was close to thirty and I started holding on to that idea that disciplehood was a big part of my identity, I began studying the Bible like my life depended on it. It gave me peace. It gave me solace. And you know what? It gave me a desire to study and learn how to be a disciple of Christ in my daily life.

I accepted Christ when I was nine years old. I knew the Bible like the back of my hand— at least I knew Bible verses and doctrine. I was involved in any and every type of ministry the local church could offer. I could quote chapters of the Bible at a time, but I needed a closer walk with the Lord. I think it was more of a head knowledge at that time. I needed to learn to be a Christ follower on a deeper level. I needed to learn how to be a disciple.

Those words in Matthew 16 were so important to me because I needed so much to find myself. I needed to find my life.

Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. Matthew 16:24-25 (KJV)

I had to learn to forsake motherhood and that overwhelming desire to be a mother again, no matter how much I wanted it and how wonderful motherhood is. When we start looking for things to define us instead of Christ, we will end up having an identity crisis.

When you have an identity crises you begin to be confused, uncertain, and you start questioning everything. That is where I was at in my life until I discovered it wasn’t about me. Not that I shouldn’t have known that already, but I had to really surrender to being a disciple of Christ.

So likewise, whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:33 (KJV)

Sure, I had setbacks during the span of years between my oldest and next child, but they were bumps in the road and God worked and I began to be able to handle all things associated with being a mother again. I began to have a whole different attitude. I even got comfortable with not having small children around the house.

You all probably know my story. I ended up having two children in a row in my late thirties. God blessed me with two children close to 15 months apart from each other and 13 years from my first daughter’s birth. My young ones were born when I was 37 and 38. My youngest daughter was born in February one year and the next year in July my son came along.

Believe me though, it wasn’t my plan. God had the plan.

Holding on to Your Identity

Grabbing on to my identity at being a disciple for Christ was what I needed to propel me to a deeper walk with my Lord. I had to learn to look through those eyes of compassion like Jesus. I had to basically learn to love life and other people. And that is what the Christian life is all about. Believe me, I wasn’t very loving while I was in the midst of my identity crises!

By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another. John 13:35 (KJV)

If I had not snapped out of it and realized that there was a higher calling than motherhood, then I would not be writing this or any of those devotionals that I have written over the years. Looking for my identity in the right place gave me direction.

The Lord truly blessed me with my outlook on life through that experience.

I’ve had a lot of struggles and some that I don’t tell others about. I have learned that I can’t allow those things to conquer me. I know were I’d be if I did. I wouldn’t be serving Christ. That is for sure. I would be lost and back in my identity crises again.

Embracing Your Identity

I strongly feel that leaving our Christian women in so much hurt and pain that they can’t stomach another Mother’s Day is so wrong. We weren’t put here to be stuck in the doldrums of life. God made us for more!

The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. John 10:10 (KJV)

Don’t let Mother’s Day or motherhood, or any of those things be the thief of your joy and your abundant living. It’s like putting yourself vulnerable to identity theft. You are created for more than motherhood. You are created for more than just your career.

You are created for more than just being a wife, even though that may be wonderful. Please don’t allow hurts, failures, and bumps in the road to hold you back from the real living that the Lord wants for you. Living for Jesus is the answer. Look towards Christ and disciplehood. Embrace the Christian life!

So, are you looking for your identity in all the wrong places?

Copyright ©2019 Julia Bettencourt.

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