August 29, 2003

Since first putting this website together, I began receiving email about the secret sister programs in our local churches. Many pastor’s wives and women’s leaders seem so frustrated over the issue.

Other mail has come in from ladies who are having a hard time keeping up with the gift giving involved.

It began as a good thing

There’s no doubt that the secret sister program began in our churches as a good thing with a good purpose. It was meant as a way to encourage ladies at a personal level, so what happened?

It probably goes back to a few different factors. One thing maybe is that gift giving was encouraged and given more importance than the prayers and other forms of edifying.

Gift giving in question

Back when the secret sister programs began popping up in our churches, the gift giving was kept small. However, then it was like with anything else, each gift had to be a little nicer, and from there on out it snowballed.

Part of it too is that there are more two income families in today's society. In general, women today have more spending money than in past years. Now what we have today in some churches is a gift giving frenzy and gift giving burn out.

Is gift giving for our sisters in Christ a bad thing? No. Can it get out of control? Yes. Face it. Not everyone lives on the same budget. Diverse people make up our churches.

They want to spend it on their kids or something they need for their homes. Or maybe they have the money, but not the time required to pick up the gifts and take them to their secret sister as others in their group would.

The complication of varying gift scales

When you have gift giving within a group at different monetary scales, eventually someone will get hurt feelings over the type of gifts they are receiving.

It doesn’t have to be the cost of the item that we as ladies can develop an attitude about, but your secret sister may just be terrible at picking out something that you’d enjoy and if she’s your sister for an entire year, it can lead to bitterness.

I don’t think that ladies mean to complain or grumble over how their secret sister treats them, but it does happen. Little comments and expressions can cut quickly into the giver of those gifts and into the heart of another sister in Christ.

The drawbacks of fitting in new participants

The way most secret sister programs have been done also has had a drawback. Usually your sister programs run for a year and then the sisters are revealed. A growing church will have new people all the time. What happens to those new ladies?

Some churches have something in place to prevent it, but many times those ladies fall through the cracks. They shouldn’t have to wait until the next start up year to be involved in a church ministry.

The need for open and welcoming programs

I was always taught as a young person to never stand with a group of friends and talk in a closed circle, but to always be aware to keep making an open end so anyone can join in and not be alienated. I still am very conscious not to stand in a complete circle as an adult, chatting in the parking lot after church or wherever the case.

I’ll move over and open the circle if someone comes up and closes it. I think that’s how we make newcomers into our churches feel with our sister groups sometimes. Those ladies see the exchanging of gifts and are not involved, and may feel left out or outside the group without the prospect of the circle opening until the start of the new sister program year.

The drawback of secrecy

My husband and I recently began attending a new church where they do have a secret sister program and I am going to participate in it. However, I have opted out of them in the past. I’m not much on the secret part.

Personally I’d rather hear a prayer request straight from someone's lips, not written on a card. I want to be able to see the look in their eyes, hear the pain or concern in their voice, and get a better understanding in order to pray for them more effectively.

Also, I think that if you know who your sister is, it enables you to fellowship with that person and grow a relationship with them. It allows you to have more meaningful fellowship together. You can meet for a cup of tea or go for a walk together, or even make a phone call just to say “hello” and check on them.

Personally, I think too much emphasis is put on sending secret encouragement but encouragement through talking and getting to know each other with one on one fellowship is not encouraged.

Too many times, I’ve seen secret sister programs where, yes, encouragement notes were passed, and that’s a good thing, but there really wasn’t much actual fellowship and unity in the church among the ladies involved.

I think there is a world of difference between writing a note to someone to say you are praying for them or are encouraged by them and actually going up to that person, putting your arm around them, and saying, "I'm praying for you" or "You are an encouragement to me".

I think we miss out on so much, and our churches miss out on so much when only secret fellowship is encouraged.

We’ve got to remember to encourage other types of fellowship among our ladies as well. A ladies group that is knit together in love and has a huge bond of fellowship can be such a great impact on a local church.

Take the time to evaluate your secret sister program

Okay, so now you’ve evaluated your secret sister program. If yours seems to be working as it was intended, then great. But how do you fix it if it needs fixed?

Eliminating the program altogether is probably not a good idea because the purpose for it is still there, that being the need to encourage fellowship among your church ladies at a personal level.

A slight or even dramatic overhauling of the program may be more fitting.

Copyright ©2003 Julia Bettencourt

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